An alien from Mars exploring the Earth

I was sitting quitely in front of Lady Buddha statue in Son Tra mountain last night and also the night before, but my mind wasn’t calm or peaceful. Actually I’ve never really felt at peace with myself, no matter whatever I’ve done or wherever I’ve been to. And it has been even worse over the past few years, and I never really notice it. I’ve always known that there’s something broken inside me, but I just keep ignoring it.

I always keep thinking about what is the purpose of my existence in this universe all the time, since the day I realized I wasn’t human from Earth but an alien from Mars. I truly meant it when I said that. It wasn’t a joke at all. I never fit in anywhere I’ve been to, even though sometimes I felt like I could feel some happiness. I never feel like I belong to any community, and I always consider myself as an outsider of any kind of social event. I barely feel real connected to anyone.

Of course even if we’re all humans, we’re different from each other. The thing is that I usually feel so empty. I have nothing. I have no job, no interest, no dream, no talent, no confidence, nothing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me for several years? What am I doing on the Earth? What is the purpose of my life? Why did they send me to this world, where I feel I can never call it home? I’ve been escaping the world for several years for what reason I don’t know yet, without knowing I was just escaping. And now after all those years, I realize that I haven’t found the answer yet. I don’t know what to do now. Should I just keep escaping to somewhere else?

I do feel really happy with any people I met and I’m always grateful to the universe for letting me meet them, especially over the past year. I really have experienced my most happiest moments for my whole life this year with all of them. They’re truly good people and make me change my mind a lot day by day.

However, after all, I still feel so empty and useless. I know the real problem is inside me and I have to do something to fix it, otherwise I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I really want to live, completely and consciously, but there are some moments I feel so empty and I just want to end my life. I often think that if I could die today it would be perfect. Everyday’s just a perfect day to die. Haha.

What am I really interested in recently? A few days ago, a special friend of mine asked me that question, which made me start thinking about it. And I realize that nothing really attracts me in this world. Maybe it would be better if I should just go back to my planet? But how?