On the Full Moon day of October last year 2019, I attended a women’s circle for the first time of my life and I was so impressed. And the girl named Tora told me I should find my inner child, when I said I felt so lost and didn’t know what I was doing or what I really wanted to do. I kept thinking about it for a while and then forgot about it. Today it just came to my mind and I kept wondering how I could find my inner child? And exactly what’s it?
Tora said that I should ask myself when I was a kid, what was my dream? What were the things that I really enjoyed? Something like that. It’s not so easy, because I just can’t remember all of those things. I usually just remember all the bad memories about my childhood and everytime I think of it, I keeping feel so lost and empty. I was just an ugly, useless and stupid girl all the time, who never deserved anything good from this world. And of course she’s not my inner child…
Sometimes I keep thinking that maybe my dad was right when he said I was too weird and selfish to deserve love from anyone. He really meant it, just like every other painful word that he kept saying to me since I was a kid. I still remember a lot of them. You know, I think it’s really hard to forget something that hurt you so much when you are a child. I just can’t get them out of my head.
Even until now, sometimes I think I still keep trying to do things just to improve to my family that I can be useful and successful, that I’m not stupid and weird. But it seems that they never care about it. My parents are never proud of me, or even never notice so much effort that I put into whatever I do. They always keep telling I am so wrong, so ugly, so weird, so abnormal… They never believe in whatever I do. I’m just a loser in front of them.
I always feel like I’ve been living in the shadow of my brother. He’s so intelligent, so confident and so talented. Everything I do is wrong, and he’s always right, because I’m stupid and he’s smarter than me. He has the right to do whatever he wants, while I don’t. I even had to cry and beg my dad for letting me hang out with my friends only to the beach 15km from home by bus when I was 17 but he didn’t allow me until he called my friend’s mom to confirm if I was telling the truth or not, while at the age of 16, he went to a place more than 30km from home by motorbike without any permission. Maybe because I’m a girl and he’s a boy? During my childhood, I kept wonder that question so many times. Why did my parents treat me so unfair? Did they really hate me because I wasn’t born a boy? My dad looks down on me in everything I do and every choice I make. He even never like my close friends. I still remember he said anyone who hung out with me must be insane. Haha.
Yeah, my family are never satisfied with whatever I’m doing, so I just never care about it anymore. But sometimes I just want them to accept me, even just a little bit of my own self. Anyway, after all, I’m just a bad kid who always annoys other people because of my weird personality. I don’t know how to change to really satisfy them so I just let it be…
The rule in my family is very simple, just like what Abba sings in their song: ‘The winner takes it all, and the loser standing small’. And I think that’s the reason why I turn out to be so unconfident and keep feeling so guilty for everything I do now. I keep thinking I’m so stupid and so worried that anything I do might be wrong and make people angry. I know many people are annoyed by that personality of mine, because I might make them feel like they’re bad people and I’m always like an angel who feels sorry for them all the time. But I really never mean to be that way. I’m just a broken alien with nothing valuable, who never deserves anything good in this world. If I could return home, when would my people come and pick me up? Are they looking for me just like I’m waiting for them?
I think I love my family, because they’re my family after all and you can’t choose your family anyway. But sometimes I just hate them so much, and it still hurt my feelings whenever I see them. I just can’t forget things. People say that bad memories stick better than good ones…
Anyway, although I don’t think I had a traumatic childhood, I wasn’t happy. I was so miserable as a child and a teen and I think it affects my relationships with other people now. When I was a kid, I was just like a rotten pumpkin, like my aunt always called me all the time. Not funny at all to be called like that, just like a lot of my other ugly nicknames. It’s just funny to the people who call others by those nicknames, not to the ones who are labelled by them.
The lunar new year holiday is coming and I really don’t want to go back to my hometown. Last year’s holiday was really a stressful time to me. My parents and brother kept shouted at me about something bad about me that I didn’t even want to remember. However, I believe this year can be different. I have a good feeling about it, because a special friend of mine will go home with me. She’s the alien from Jupiter that I have mentioned. I might not feel so lonely anymore. Oh, I really wish she could go home with me for the whole holiday instead of only 2 days. But anyway, we will spend more than a week travelling together after that and I’m really looking forward to it!
This morning I came to the restaurant I usually visit for breakfast and had a bowl of curry. The staff asked me why I didn’t come yesterday. I said I woke up late. I felt sorry because I couldn’t be honest to tell them I just wanted to skip breakfast and other meals yesterday.
I love all the staff at the restaurant and I think they love me, too. They’re always so nice to me, and they always look so peaceful.
Today the owner waved and smiled at me, and she even noticed that I didn’t look very well. She asked me whether I felt tired and why I didn’t come for dinner recently. She even grabbed my shoulders and massaged them, which really made me feel so touched. She’s always so nice and sweet to me. Her smile is always so bright like a sunshine, making me feel so calm all the time. I’m so grateful that I could see her today.
Her little daughter also loves me. Today she waved at me with her lovely smile as usual and said she would bring her game tomorrow to play with me. Last time I played the game with her and she won and kept telling everyone at the restaurant about it. Now everyone knows I lost the game to a litte kid. Haha. I love her so much. She’s so adorable. If I could have a little sister or daughter like her, maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable? Or maybe I’m just too miserable to raise a happy kid?
Today is the last full moon day of the lunar year of 2019, which is a year of the pig. It is my year, since I was also born in a year of the pig. Haha. Anyway, a lot of crazy things have happened throughout this year and I’m so grateful for everything I’ve experienced. Although I haven’t found myself yet, I’m so grateful for all the things I’ve been through and all the people I’ve met. Anyway, there is a long journey ahead that I can’t wait to explore!
Tonight the full moon was so bright and beautiful, just like how she always is. I kept looking up to the sky to see her. I wish I could be so charming like the moon. She’s always so high that I can never touch, no matter how hard I try.
Actually today I tried to go to the peak of Son Tra mountain to see the moon, but I couldn’t get there because the city government hasn’t allowed my type of motorbikes to go up to the peak anymore for about 2 months now. It was so sad because I really wanted to go to the peak last night. And I really don’t know where to find another type of motorbikes for the next time if I want to get there again.
Anyway, I ended up playing on the swings and enjoying the beauty of the full moon at a small playground close to the beach.
I think everyone loves the moon, and the moon also loves herself. I wish I could truly love myself.
Today I didn’t visit Lady Buddha as usual…
An alien from Mars exploring the Earth 