An alien from Mars exploring the Earth

Hello! It’s been 2 years since I last wrote something on this page. I wonder if someone will ever see this. A lot of things has changed after 2 years, since the pandemic began and hit everyone in the world. I am no exception.

So, what has happened to me?

I moved back to the place where I was born and raised, and I have been living under the same roof with my parents, as an adult. Over the past 2 years, I have been through a severe depression and have distanced myself from the world. I’ve given up social media and lost contact with a lot of my friends. For over a year, I stopped reading, which had always been my favorite hobby since I was a little kid. I didn’t go online either, because I was too scared and tired to see what had been happening to me and to the world. I was so afraid that I might go crazy if I let people see me at that time. My 2020 was a long period of severe depression, and all I did throughout the year was just separating myself from the rest of the world.

In March 2020, when I was working as a cashier at the macrobiotics restaurant where I started as one of their favorite customers, my mom came and forced me to go back to my parents’ house with her. At that time, the pandemic started to become serious in the city where I lived. She was worried about me, and she also said that someone like me wasn’t supposed to work as a stupid cashier at such a small restaurant in a small city, because I graduated from a language university, I should become someone bigger and earn more money. I told her I wanted to be happy and I enjoyed working at the restaurant, but she just didn’t listen, like what she always did all the time. I was the one who had to listen to her story and obey her every time since I was a little kid. Not a single time did she ever listen to me. So did my father and my brother. I always felt extremely lonely in my own family. Therefore, when I attended university, I chose to live far from my hometown. For years, I kept escaping my hometown and avoided coming back as much as I could. I used to hate my parents’ house a lot and couldn’t really see it as my home for almost my whole life. I kept looking for my home for all those years, but never truly felt like home anywhere I had been to. I kept questioning myself what my life purpose was and where I belonged in this universe? I truly believed that I was a lonely alien who lost my true family when we went space traveling together. Now I know the reason why I never felt like home anywhere, and that is because I kept seeking home in the outside world, while our real home should come from inside ourselves. Since I always looked for home instead of becoming home for myself first. When we find peace inside ourselves, the outside world becomes peaceful all the time, no matter what happens around us.

When I first came back here, I couldn’t even have a single serious conversation with my parents that didn’t end up in tears and sadness. My mom took me to see some mental health counselors as she believed something went wrong with me seriously. Well, she was not wrong. I was extremely depressed, and it had started long before being noticed in 2020, when I moved back to the place I spent my childhood and teenage years. At first, I thought I was just upset about me staying at home unemployed, but then I found out why. It was because my family had always been the source of my traumas since childhood and I was seriously triggered whenever I came back and met them.

In December 2020, I was so grateful that I met a reiki and sound healer that was produced to me by a close friend of mine, who was also triggered when she returned to her parents’ house at that time. I found out about reiki and some other types of energy healing techniques. The reiki healer placed her hands above different parts of my body and she knew exactly when and what happened to me during my childhood, how it started and how it has influenced how I react in my adulthood, and what I should do to release my traumas gradually. I am so thankful to my best friend and the Universe letting me meet the reiki healer and guiding me to this journey. I am thankful to the reiki healer and those exercises and reminders she gave me to practice everyday to heal myself.

It’s never an easy way to overcome all of my childhood traumas, and I’m just at the first steps on my healing journey. However, at least now I am aware of my journey and I have stopped trying so hard on myself, stopped hating myself and stopped feeling so lost without any clear directions. I accept things and people as the way they are. I accept that things change and we should not get attached to anything or anyone. Instead, we should let go of those things and situations that no longer suit ourselves and our growth. Every day, I learn, unlearn, change and grow slowly, and I am happy that I can enjoy every moment of my journey.

Life is about the journey, not the destination, so be gentle with yourself.

Anyway, I am so glad to be back!