An alien from Mars exploring the Earth

I had a serious and straightforward conversation with my mom last night. It didn’t freak me out as I had expected. Actually I felt so calm and relaxed, and I tried to explain to her my opinions and feelings with a very calm tone while she kept shouting at me. I was very surprised about this version of myself. I didn’t get so emotional and lose my temper at all.

Usually I get very emotional and I can burst into tears easily when I try to have a heart-to-heart conversation with my family members, especially mom. She keeps trying to escape serious talks when she feels that she will have to admit that I am not wrong. When she feels unsafe that she is going to lose a debate and that she cannot dominate our discussions anymore, she will not stop hurting me, manipulating me with her screams and tears, making me feel guilty and ashamed of myself, making me feel that I am a bad child for disobeying her. So yeah, it’s not easy at all to talk to my mom if I don’t remain highly conscious throughout the conversation, otherwise I will go insane. I mean it.

Anyway, the conversation ended abruptly because she was in such a sulky mood that she kept screaming at me and refused to talk to me. I accepted that it wasn’t so important about what was right and what was wrong. What would change if I kept trying to explain to someone who refused to listen? I just wanted to tell her my points of view and feelings about something, but she didn’t understand. People don’t change easily because of what others say to them. The important thing is that I said I had to say and I don’t regret saying that even if it upset her.

In the end, I tried to comfort her, saying that I loved her and wishing her a good night, but I didn’t say sorry for what I said. I promised to her to not let myself live unhappily, because I knew that even though our points of view were different, she really wanted me to have a happy life. We both cried a little bit together before going to bed.

I didn’t get mad at my mom and I didn’t feel bad about myself as I used to do whenever we had serious talks in the past. I didn’t feel sad either. I couldn’t image I could stay that calm and relaxed in such a situation. In the morning, we didn’t find it uncomfortable to talk to each other at all, which was as not the same as what we usually had done before.

I am so proud of myself that I could be so brave and calm towards my mom. I am happy that we had that conversation so that we could understand each other more deeply, even though it was a difficult conversation that I would probably try to avoid. Recently, I have had more serious conversations with my mom than before, but last night was one of the situations that I wasn’t emotionally and unconsciously triggered to react in a bad way.

Serious conversations with my dad has been still hard for me, though. I have a lot of father wounds. My daddy issues are much more serious than my mommy issues. The relationship between me and my father has been seriously bad since childhood and I noticed it from the beginning. I can never talk to my father comfortably. He is much more stubborn, abusive and conservative than my mother, and he has much crueler ways to attack and hurt others than my mother. I guess my bad father-daughter relationship is the reason why it has been hard for me to have a healthy romantic relationship with anyone.

Well, healing process is not easy and it takes so much time and patience. I am just at the beginning of the journey. I have a long way to go.